Healing Responses vs Hurtful Reactions

Hurtful reactions to a child’s distressed or distressing behaviours, even if the adult has a positive intent,
are understandable, not least because the distress of the adoptive parents or foster carers is all too
easily restimulated by what the child says and does. However, those reactions can reinforce the mistrust,
shame, guilt, etc. that underpins the attachment difficulties, thus creating a hurtful loop.
This can be more complex and more painful when issues of racial identity are factored in, especially
if the racial dimension is denied or discounted. 

Crafty Listening can help you to stay focused, to rise above your frustrations and, as you rise, 
to lift your child with you

 

Erikson	Challenging behaviour can stem from:-	Mallows	Understandable reactions to challenging behaviour can include:-
Healthy attachment	Hurt and Fear that reinforces	Healing responses	Hurtful and hateful* reactions such as
Trust	Mistrust	Toward	Away
Autonomy	Shame	Proactive	Reactive
Initiative	Guilt	Purposeful	Pointless
Industry	Inferiority	Enabling	Disenabled
Identity	Confusion	Acceptance	Rejection
Intimacy	Isolation	Inclusion	Exclusion
Creativity	Stagnation	Caring	Uncaring
Integrity	Despair	Wise	Wolly

* HATE! Strong word, isn't it? And shocking to many people's/parents' ears and heart.  And I want to convey, r help people to really fully that the pain a child feels when we deprive them of a sense of loving connection is to  deep, and so pervasive, the love we claim to feel simply does not register in their awareness.

One of the best ways to get the message across to parents who are suffering the worst of a child's aggression, violence and, let's face it, hatred, is to have the parents take a different look at their own hurt, frustration, sense of powerlessness, uselessness, rage, etc.

I encourage parents and carers to see their own pain as a pale reflection of the pain their child suffering. Does this mean the child or teenager should be allowed to do what ever they like? Of course not!
Does his mean the parent or carer is 'to blame'? Not quite, partly because I think all that blame/shame/guilt/ fault thinking keeps people in the hateful loop that maintains the problem aspect of so many relationships. However, it does require that adults learn how to stop 'being at the effect' of their children's pain.

 

I am more interested in helping people to decide who wants to stop, then teaching them how they might act and react differently by developing the necessary skills and awareness.