Thinking about Tracing
The following is something to think about as you search. And perhaps even more
so if you find who you are looking for. It is possible that you will develop a good,
positive, life enhancing relationship with the person or people for whom you are
searching, and there is always the possibility, as in any relationship, that it starts
well and, somehow, goes wrong. How you initiate that contact will be an important
factor in what happens next.Impatience can cause people to rush in without giving some serious thought to the
longer term relationship.Consider well how you make the first contact. The people you are looking for may
have yearned for the moment, or they may be dreading it - both for exactly the same reasons.If they have been hoping that you will get in touch, they may also be worried about how they,
or you, will respond. You may have invested time and money and energy in searching,
they may have wanted to but had no idea how to go about it.They may be afraid of upsetting you or scared of reappearing your life because they feel
ashamed, guilty, embarrassed... any of a whole range of confusing emotions.
They may remember you as a baby, and have years of unresolved grief and loss.
It is possible that they have never told anyone about this pain!You may have had time to think about (Dream about? Worry about?) what's going to happen.
Perhaps you had counselling, plenty of support, talked easily and openly about (a happy) adoption,
or freely expressed yourself about an unhappy adoption.You could have processed all this before you find or contact them, but your first contact - phone call,
letter, doorstep - could be a frightening experience for them.They have to get used to it, perhaps need to tell or be too afraid to tell other people in their lives.
You may be full of anger, hurt, frustration or unrealistic hopes and fears - even though you deny
or are unaware of them. They may feel exactly the same!As an adopted person you could focus on why your birth mother or father 'gave you away',
they may painfully recall how you were takenaway from them.Perhaps you hope that meeting them will sort out all the problems you have in your relationships
or with your partner. They could fantasise that they will unable to take away years of hurt or anger.You may meet, and discover that you have virtually nothing whatsoever in common, except blood.
For example, you may have had a good education, a comfortable middle class upbringing,
caring but somehow cold adoptive parents. Your biological family may be working class,
poor as a workhouse cat's fleas, down to earth, unpretentious and warm as toast.You may love or loathe what you find; they could welcome you with open arms or slam the door in your face.
They could be afraid that you are going to blame or accuse them (indeed, you may want to do just that!).
The people in their lives now may not know about you (yet), and just turning up may cause more
problems than you imagine or intend.The first reaction can be shock. Old pain can be restimulated. You could find yourself unexpectedly
filled with anger or overwhelmed by a powerful need to touch the other person.That person can act as a 'buffer' giving people time to deal with possibly unexpected feelings or
reactions. An intermediary can be a 'go-between', perhaps maintaining links that might otherwise
be severed in the early stages of contact or reunion. Although you could choose anyone, friend,
partner, relative, there is something to be said for using somebody with some experience of
adoption contact and reunion issues.This need not cost anything. Approach the adoption section of your local social services,
possibly the adoption agency who arranged your adoption, or you could hire an
independent person or agency. If you think about the latter, do check their experience or
expertise in adoption (if adoption is the issue).Some tracing agencies can be, to put it mildly, insensitive to the issues and complexities
and they may 'barge in' and create problems you really don't need!