Negotiation Skills

From time to time, I run workshops on Negotiating Skills for Parents.

The most enjoyable (and challenging!) of these have been attended by a mix of Social Workers, Professional Carers, Adoptive Parents, and teachers, teaching assistants, Sencos, etc.

I should explain that my whole approach to training, regardless of who attends, is somewhat unusual. For example, I don't do role plays, and I rarely do case studies. The only given guideline for the event is the agreed contract for topic of the training (Adoption and Fostering, Crafty Parenting, Talking to Teens, Negotiating Skills, etc.), and what the people who attend hope to get and are willing to give on the day(s). There are start and finish times but no timetabled or formal agenda.

One other fairly unusual aspect is that I will rarely let anyone talk about any one who is not in the room! Many participants find this extremely frustrating, of course, not least because people in general are more ready to talk about other people's failing and foibles because most people blame other people for almost every thing that goes wrong in their lives.

YES! I know that's a great sweeping generalisation, for which I blame my parents! ;~)

So, what's left for people any one who does attend my training workshops?
Well, the people in the room, me, and the energy we co-create in the space between us. Since people are discouraged from telling a (usually) well-rehearsed, terribly sad and often tragic story about the absent child, parent, social worker, pupil, birth-parent, whoever, what's left is to talk about the story they would prefer to live, to explore what they [habitually] contribute to the ongoing problems they experience (and suffer), and how they might make sense of what's going on for the child, parent or professional whom they want to castigate.
Many people, when presented with this approach, assume that I am blaming them, or 'taking sides' with the demon in human form who is making their lives hell! Some resist any notion or suggestion that might help them to take a different stance. They also sometimes refuse to join in exercises or contribute to discussion that could help to raise awareness, bolster self-esteem, or shed a little light into the gloom that is crushing them.
For those people, I am a useless and infuriating trainer who offers nothing of value, and they might go away feeling even worse than they arrived.
I am disappointed when that happens, but I also know that habit is probably the most compelling force in human beings, and that some people, when worn down by the day to day and the pressing problems of their life, are to exhausted to come up for air. It is also the case that we live in an either/or culture (right or wrong; good or bad; up or down; happy or sad, etc.), and people are more often concerned with being right than being effective.

I also acknowledge that my style is so unusual, that, regardless of content or topic, I pose some kind of threat against which they must protect themselves. On the other hand, fortunately, most people do 'get it' and start to realise that endless whinging reinforces the misery bubble. That continual blaming (or guilt) simple reinforces and perpetuates Victim Consciousness (a set of limiting beliefs and bedrock assumptions that fuels an underlying and pervasive sense of impotence and helplessness). The strange thing is that people, who perceive themselves to be Psychological Victims often, in fact usually, turn into Persecutors!

On my Negotiation Skills workshops, I recommend a number of things that people can do to maintain a resourceful state, which, however difficult, has a many advantages. I will not dwell on them in depth in this posting (in fact I'm writing this for my website mmallows.co.uk and thought I'd share it with you as well) because, as intimated earlier, even with the debate and discussion that occurs on the workshops, designed to challenge people's thinking patterns and process (not necessarily the content of their thoughts), even with that, some people can't break free of assumptions and attitudes that drive them crazy (Definition of Frustration: doing the same thing, over and over and over, hoping for a different result!).

The few suggestions offered below assume that you would like to have a positive outcome (in terms of getting your own needs met as a Carer/Parent or Professional). That, sadly, is not always the case because, being human, we are ALL (except you, perhaps?) capable of mean-spirited, vengeful, spiteful thoughts and deeds, even with the best of intents!
We can all (well, most of us) sulk, bully, withdraw, 'do' stupid, infantilise our children, our colleagues, our clients - in short, even when it would be most useful or effective to be grounded, centred, focused and mindful, we can think and (dis) function like needy children, stroppy adolescents, playground bullies, blahdeblahdeblah...

You probably already do all and more of these suggestions, and I will headline them as:

Head (what we think)

Heart (what we feel)

Hands (what we do)

and Air (breathing)

Fire (strong emotion)

Water (drink enough of it!)

AIR One of the major contributions to conflict, tension, stress, outbursts, tantrums, fear and loathing is that fact that people either have never learned how to breathe properly, or are so infuriated or infantilised by what's been happening - or not happening, what is happening - or not - and what might happen! I coach people in a very easy to learn deep breathing process. I highly recommend that people know how deep breathing can help us stay grounded and centred, and the terrible and immediate effects that shallow breathing i.e. NOT breathing deeply enough, can have on our physical state and out functional intelligence. Water Over 70% of people in the West are mildly to severely dehydrated! If we do not drink enough water, it directly affects our ability our digestion, our urination and defecation, and various other aspects of our physical being. It also has a powerful impact on our brain's ability to think, concentrate, remember and recall information! In short, if you do not take in enough air or enough

WATER, without which, it is increasingly difficult to function intelligently! One side effect of that is that our 'normal' levels of anxiety (or paranoia) can dramatically increase. Two things you should do before a (probably difficult) meeting: make sure you go to the loo, at least for a pee (it will add to your discomfort if, arriving late, in a hassled and hurried mood, you have a full bladder! And drink enough water. Always take a bottle of water with you, in case the people think you're like a camel - or in case you think you drink enough tea and coffee or fizzy drinks; all of which exacerbate dehydration (and worse). Professional: always make sure that water is provided and within reach of the carers! I have met many who were too embarrassed or uncomfortable to ask if it was too far away to reach.

FIRE This is about your passion; what inspires and motivates you, what sets you on fire with delight or, often less helpful, what infuriates you to such an extent that you are incandescent with rage. You are so awash with emotion that you can barely speak, let alone make sense. You are so focused on being wronged that you can't see that other people are, in the end, just that: Other People. So you spit flames, the fire in your belly gives you indigestion, the burning in your gut alerts you to the fact that you heading for a fall; or it would if you could only see and hear yourself a little more clearly. If you could only stop and take a breath, drink some water. If only! If only!

So, if you are a Carer, always arrive at meeting with paper to write on and something to write with!
Telephone to ask who ever is organising the meeting (or your SW?) who else is going to attend the meeting.

Date EVERYTHING and keep copies! When you arrive, write the names of the people who are actually attending, and any absences / apologies. Be bold and ask for the roles or function of people if you do not know, or the spelling of their name, if need be; after all, what possible reason could any have for not telling you?

If someone uses words or phrases that you do not understand, ideally ask there and then. If that is too daunting, take a note and ask someone later. If they refuse (but why would they?) at all costs, stay calm, ask later. In short, keep your own minutes and records.

There is the possibility that you will be seen as a trouble-maker, and you might become an unwelcome - and uninvited - participant, and you will have to handle whatever follows that.

Stay calm, stay cool, stay in control of your own state, after all, you are living in your body, so it's better not to give your power away to other people, difficult tho that may be.

Remember, social workers are 'just folks', flawed, like you and me (well, maybe not you), with families and fears, with high ideals and lofty dreams. Sure, they should be Perfect, above the faults and failings that trip you and me up. However, it is always worth bearing in mind that life is not as it should be; it is what it is, it isn't what it isn't! However we got here, this is where we are. How can we move forward from here?